Britney's Boozin', Kevin's Cuttin'

After a quick check of our calendar, we noticed that we haven't mentioned Britney Spears in one whole week. That's some kind of record or something. So this morning we scoured the depths of the gossip sea to bring you an update on our favorite pork-rind-encrusted housewife. And what did we find? Britney knocking back the hooch and Kevin selling his hair to charity. Sorry, folks, it's a slow gossip day. Maybe tomorrow Paris Hilton will con her sister and a slow-witted cousin into a threeway and cosmic gossip balance will be restored.

We're still of the belief that Kevin Federline's super sperm has laughed in the face of decency and human kindness and penetrated another of Britney's eggs (we're still holding on to the dream of Lurlene Crystal-Jo Federline), but The New York Daily News does not share that belief. And why? Because Britney was boozing it. That's not a very convincing argument for the absence of a pregnancy, especially when we're talking about margarita-swilling Brit. Rush & Molloy reports on the goings on at Federline's 28th birthday party (complete with a birthday cake "delivered by two female little people, who climbed atop a table to sing him 'Happy Birthday.'"):

Brit seemed like she was taking a night off from her diet as she sampled spare ribs, crispy tuna, pork rolls, lobster tempura and Chilean sea bass, among other Asian delicacies, reports The News' Jeffrey Slonim.

And our spy says she was sipping a Cosmo.

We're still not convinced. Long live Lurlene Crystal-Jo! Really, we're just hoping that this disturbing Britney birthing sculpture can be made into a series.

And what has Kevin been up to while his wife has been incubating the phantom embryo? Trying to glue his nasty old braids onto a chemo-baldened head. Kevin cut off his (surely immaculate) hair and donated it to an organization that makes wigs for children with cancer. A source told The Daily Star:

"He supports the cause and hopes it will help promote his new album."

We've got a better way for Kevin to promote his new album: Cut off his penis and donate it to a clinic specializing in population control. Or to Star Jones. She could probably use it. Kiss a dick, indeed, Kevin. He loves his kids, motherfuckers. He loves his wife too.